A lot to say

 Dear Bloggers,

Today I've got loads to say about my life so first I'll begin with my day.

Today I went to Somaiya. Practicals were boring (no use), talked to a lot of strangers but only one gave a good feedback. It was an ok feedback. As I said before Riya (completely ignored me) didn't even talked to me. I was the one who greeted her, who spoke to her. Just a question for answer and no more. Nobody else tried talking, replied me back, even tried talking to me or even bothered to look at me. I just don't know what to do now. Should I die? I mean I am not comfortable at any single stage of life, neither home, neither school, neither is anything happening to me in my professional affront and I don't see I have any bright of future. My bad time has already started since 15th of November. Anyways, will talk in brief later.

Later I went for basketball practice. People were there so I talked and they too replied back. One girl there looked exactly like Abid (I miss my school :'''(, he's a boy from my school ) I had 3 goals. Later we had a match, that was a selection match. As my previous practice nobody passed me the ball and was just playing amongst themselves. I don't wanna be a basketball professional by doing matches and learning the skills. All I want is to enjoy the sport and not think of it as a burden. I really miss those times when 3 of us (Shivlaxmi, Valentina and me) were playing it whenever we had a P.T. period and I miss those days and cry by myself. I can't forget how excited we were once we came to know its P.T. 

As a matter of fact, I was the one who first started playing basketball in my school. They had just a hoop and a volleyball and I thought of playing it as a basketball. I still remember the other girls were scared to ask but I took courage and looking at us playing basketball other kids started copying us too and later my school bought a new basketball and fixed the net.

Surely going to school too wasn't an easy job especially in 10th because people spread rumors about me and of course team members always follow the leader so if the leader didn't talk nobody spoke and just like that I was all alone in 10th because my "friends" were distributed in other classes. And friends in apostrophe because they just used me in 9th because I was the class monitor. I was treated really badly at 10th. I wasn't bullied but I was completely IGNORED. I was treated as if I DIDN'T EXISTED. As if I was a piece of furniture. I still remember being upset about it. Coming fast walking home and the minute I reach house I used to throw my bag in the bed and jump on it crying. Crying as long as I can. 1 hours, 2 hours and the maximum it went to was 5 hours! I still remember that day and the flashback just comes in front of my eyes.

It was 1:15 when I reached home, I started crying the moment I came in, not changing uniform or eating my lunch up to 4pm. I still remember that day. One of the worst days of my life. I once even wrote a letter to my retiring teacher, Agnes about how I was being treated at school. She was really kind and I knew she would helped but I didn't gave it to her. I still have the letter and all the letters I wrote to myself when I was in such a breaking point. I used to carry it in my schoolbag every day.

Coming to my past 3 week life -

I wrote this entire thing yesterday and I should've posted it because if nobody cares about me then neither do I because right now too I'm almost at the edge of the stage where I'd just take a knife because I am so done, I've had enough of what I've been tolerating for so long. I'm already at the stage where I can hurt myself.

The blog of 15th November when I didn't said anything. Here goes the real story -

We were just back from Somaiya and on the way back I saw a message that read "SYJC: Offline classes/ practicals are starting from 15th November" Below it was written "FYJC: Offline classes are starting from 17th November" I didn't saw this message. Mummy did but she didn't told me. When I saw this message I only saw the Message 2. So that's where all the drama started and its been going on ever since that day. Now this might sound like oh just a small thing but it went so many angles. She shouted me so much, the bad words, I just can't forget that day EVER in my life.

Now the angle came and stopped at dodda. She yuckishness, her interrupting whenever I speaking with my mother, all I want to say is just live with her for 1 month you might wanna run away from the place where she is. So tomorrow again a fight happened and this was related to her only. She interrupted me when I was talking with mummy, I said I'll go to Somaiya by walk and she said "It takes 20 minutes in bike, how by walking will you go?!" That too was in a mocking tone. So I said "You go back to where you've come from" "Where have I come from?" "Bangalore" and everything. Now tell me who started. Why did she have to speak when I am speaking to my mother.

Later when she does this mummy gets more flame and she shouts me even more. If adults are talking kids are told not to interrupt so why does an adult interrupts when a kid is talking to someone. Always! Mummy then shouted and said not to tell this, that, this is your last day you told this, etc, etc. So I said its better if I won't talk at all with her and I am not even looking at her face.

Now today, yesterday me and mummy hanged all the clothes in the clothesline and now when I went up I saw that wet clothes are stacked together and just 4 clothes were spread wide, water was draining from it. I thought it was mummy so I genuinely asked her but later thought it could also be grandmother so I didn't directly said her "Mummy why have you hung clothes like this" That too became a big issue for my mother. We had to take photograph so in the market she started shouting at me in the public. She started saying "You've had a habit of mocking at people, remember your dodda is a diabetic patient, I wonder how she can eat her food after she gets to hear things like this, she was looking at you slyly because you have made everything worse etc, etc." I tried to mix with the public and ignored her and maintained my distance as if I don't know her.

Now tell what was wrong in what I did I can't say directly, indirectly, I can't go without speaking after I saw that something is being done right then what should I do? Isn't this my house as well. 2 days back also the grandmother gave me a tone when I switched on the table fan "now you don't have much light bill, you were telling your mother yesterday" You know what, no matter how yucky she is doing, I am not going to talk. Better for all I guess. I'll act as if she doesn't exist.

I am saying this before and saying it again everything was really better until she came. Its like she bought bad luck for me. I really miss those first 3 weeks when just me and mum were at home. Nobody else. Me and my mom. Grandmother might've gone if daddy came this month but he extended his stay and is not going to come until March so until then grandmother is going to stay here. Which means I'll have to tolerate it all for another 4 months!

Ever since she came mummy behaves very rudely with me. The grandmother looks outside and says things like who went where, what was bought by whom, etc, etc and mummy has time to hear it all but when I say something or about Somaiya then she gets really "busy", "tired". I already have no one and now my mother too is snatched from me. There might not be a day after 15th November that we didn't had a fight and I things are going to get much much worse if daddy won't come any sooner because I know that this grandmother won't behave like that in front of him and she'd have to go. The just me, mum and dad. From next week she's going to office I don't know how I'll live here.

Everyday coming from Somaiya she shouts at me, even when she doesn't shouts, all of her words revolve around my ear while sitting randomly, sleeping, all the time. Won't a person being so torchured be mad by all of this.

That's all I wanted to say. I never wanted to do this but the consequences left me no choice. I know how my tomorrow is going to go also the coming month, so no new day is a surprise for me. Right now we are normal but  know while sleeping something will happen. Hello police if you found this note! (if I do something wrong in future this might help), hello to my future self! If you read this, then tell me about your future though I already know how its gonna be, still.

You know what, my book can be made into an autobiography and the title would either be "GIRL WHO FITS NOWHERE" "GIRL FROM ANOTHER WORLD" Second one works the best.

My highlight of the whole day - I saw a Squirrel and I blogged  for 1 hours+ straight

I think this might be the longest worded blog in the history of blogs.

💤Dream of the day -

Whatever.

💭Thought of the day -

There is no elevator to success. 

You have to take the stairs.

            - some boring old though, hmm.